I was scared and lonely! No one was there for me and I
really needed my friend Allan...I was wrong! I was far from perfect...I wasn’t
invincible, not even close to that! I was just a good actress who forgot the
lines, who couldn’t play anymore on that broken stage called life!
I couldn’t go back home where everyone I’ve ever cared
about was hating me. Not like that, ashamed and dirty, and... broken...
I was hurt from all the points of view, but I’ve been
hurting so many people for so long, so it felt like I deserved all I got!
I DESERVED IT! GOD I KNOW!
But I don’t think that Got is the solution of my
problems, He stopped looking out for us a long time ago, if He ever existed.
And why this God would ever listen to demands ? I don’t even know any prayer! Is it a sin?
Allan was my best friend, I’ve never known a better
person but, hell! I’ve pushed him away too…I guess, because I can! Again my
selfishness is the one that leads the way. He told me “to go to hell” and I was
angry not on myself, but on his guts! And I was to blame! Those were his last
words before he left and I fall in run-down spiral, with drugs and parties…and
now I can’t agree more with him. Hell may be the last place that wouldn’t judge
me for my sins.
My face was full of tears and dust that morning…oh,
and blood! A lot of blood and no wound. I was so dizzy after last night when I swore it’s the last
night with alcohol for the rest of my life and, a drink wouldn’t hurt, but then
again I’ve forgot the number of tequila shots. I’d woke up in a deprived motel
and small room with dirty sheets and smoky walls. But even so, I couldn’t afford
to pay for after I’ve lost all my money( on things I didn’t really needed)
and my self-esteem. When did I become this sweet, vulgar huge mess? Just a drug addict with no one who cares
about her. I’ve lost my dignity, I’ve sell it in a blink of an eye!
I want to make it better but they wouldn’t give
me another chance.
I was missing Allan with his dark, long, straight hair
and brown lovely eyes and his so sweet, perfect and protective smile that was
saying “Everything is gonna be ok, you silly!” We grew in the same town and for
a while we were inseparable, but now I bet he wishes he never had to meet me. I
will ever miss his eternal sarcasm, I used to hate it…but, now, I miss it like
hell!
I was looking through a broken, stained mirror and
beneath all that dirt I’d haven’t been that rested in years. I was like after a
long good night sleep. No eye shadows, nothing…just my bright freckled
complexion, my so called beautiful greed eyes were clean, no rush no tears like
the day before. I had no idea then why I was feeling so, normal, why my head
wasn’t a pain in the ass anymore. But I was in peace. No anger, nothing.
Like when my dad was alive and I was happy, and had
no worry. I was just a spoiled soon to be a star child of the beloved script
writer Fiona Duncan and famous director Christian Duncan. The world was
promised to be given to me.
I went into the “bathroom” represented poorly by a closet, a sink and a
shower, and I got rid of the bloody clothes I was wearing, all signed brands,
and washed all of the dirt on my anorexic body. The water was a little too hot
on my cold skin…(I have to mention, a little too cold)
A memory popped into my head while I was showering. I
was 14 or more and I’d had my hart broken by a douchebag and Allan climbed into
my room through the window and just hold me in his arms so tight that I
couldn’t breathe normally, and then my stepfather caught him in my bed and it
took us two weeks to convince my mother that the scene was innocent and
deprived of any sexual context. But he was in love… And he’d never found the
courage to come clean. He just waited there for me to figure out this by
myself, but I’ve never been a master in reading the sings. I believe that at
some point I knew (because it was way too obvious)… But I was lying to myself,
I was just playing dumb, because I couldn’t believe that I would feel the same.
Not for him, not for anybody. I was just losing my time with horny idiots that
could only thought about sex… and I’ve never really believe that I am smart
enough to be with him.
Maybe I never wanted to get involved because I hated
to depend on someone’s love like my mum who got married right three months after my dad died.
I’ll say that she managed the situation very well. I
don’t really know if she knew this jerk Thomson …something…or if they were
having an affair before the accident. I don’t really care. Somewhere I knew my
parents were not in love like Allan’s parents.
Thomson is a big fat director of an important Enterprise that I know more that I
care to admit. I didn’t try to ruin his life just once…at last not too many
times…and not enough. Cause he is still with my mum “haply married” ! He is
cheating my mum, and I know, everybody know that, except my mum who is blinded
by the image of a “happy life”.
Even so the marriage wasn’t for the money… and this can be depressing. We
were very reach with a big inherence from
my dad and I was shooting for my very big movie, we could live without worrying
for the rest of our life.
We were living in a nice little town, in a pleasant and
big house where I always felt alone and hunted by a tall dark stranger. We had
a householder, Misha, and everybody in our town loved us.
I was sick when I’ve found out that she was getting
married. At first I was feeling like she was cheating my dad and my mouth was
full with saliva and a bitter taste made me throw up. We had a huge fight and
after that I took my luggage and moved in a Hotel near the beach.
I was in love with the water and the hot shiny sand
beneath my feet and the wind blowing through my long brown hair like love, ”never
see it, but always feel it”… and that felt good peacefully, kind.
My dad used to tell me that quote when he would take
me on the beach in my blue beautiful dress that rustled in the wind, and we
would walk, and I was so tiny that I couldn’t understand their problems back
then, they weren’t fighting in my presence.
And we would stay until the first star was there
and he told me:”Hey, see it? The moon is looking out for you! You Know why?
Because you are very special!”
Starting with that moment I’ve never looked at the
moon in the same indifferent way, I was sure that it has an important plan for
me… I started to believe more in the power of Moon that in God.
I guess me and my father were the same, we were
different and weird but we were ok with it, and we loved the world in our
special way. God knows how much I miss my father and because I don’t believe in
any other life after this one I know that I’ll never see him again. After we
die we just cease to exist. We just disappear.
I’m lonely and even the moon seems to be looking in
the other way. I’ve hurt her too…I’ve lost my path I’ve been a shame, I lost it
all.
Everything started when my dad took the flight 2097 to
Colorado and I’ve took the part of the main character Elisabeth in ”Regular
People” a soon to be a huge success directed by one of my dad’s collage friends
Miller. The one that made me famous, but also the one that destroyed my life.
